Life on hold

Life on hold is the best way to describe our lives right now. Everyday the nurse practitioner comes in tells us "He looks great. We are just waiting until Monday" and my response wants to be "Thanks for your medical help" with a sarcastic eye roll, but I restrain myself. My dad put it great, he thinks I should say "No we are waiting, you are living your life." But again I just nod and say thanks for the update.

This last week and weekend has been extremely difficult because I feel like my world has come to a stand still as the rest of the world keeps moving. I am coped up all day in the hospital and not getting out in the real world. The world of NICU is a completely different world (don't get me started on that topic!) that has its own rules and doesn't mix with the outside world. I can not believe that is has almost 3 weeks since this journey began. Shane and I did not know that you could have your best time in your life and the worst part all mixed in one. Lincoln is getting close to his one month mark and it makes me sad. He is changing each and every day yet he hasn't even gotten to come home. I wish I could just freeze time until he is discharged.

I haven't been out in public much for the last 3 weeks for many different reasons. One, I don't feel like it. Most new moms get a chance to stay home and recoup with their new baby. This usual includes wearing jammies all day (probably because nothing else fits), sleeping when your baby sleeps to catch up, visiting with family who come to your house, and pretty much staying in your home and not getting out unless you want to. I have gone out of the house since day 1 of leaving the hospital and haven't had that time to fully recover. I am sure the nursing staff is tired of seeing me in warm-up pants and tees but I am beyond caring. I nap whenever we are home )which is a major reason why I have been terrible at returning phone calls, sorry!) but I am still exhausted. And we have so many family and friends that have yet to meet Lincoln which makes me very sad. Another reason I haven't gone out in public much is because I waited 9 months for the time when we go from being a married couple to a family of 3. Yet we seem like a couple but Shane and I know we are missing a major part of our family now. We finally ventured out to church today and quickly realized it was not the best plan for us. Through the entire service, we both were anxious to get to the hospital to see our boy. We felt a little guilty about leaving him alone this morning and the sermon was not getting through to us. We hurried out of there as soon as could and rushed to the hospital.

I felt that I am rambling with all of this but I think my thoughts are all on tomorrow. Monday could be a day of great joy if he passes the swallow test but it could also be a day of great disappointment if he doesn't pass and we have to wait another week. I have no idea when the test will be tomorrow because they will just "fit" him when there is time but I will update when I know anything. If you have a moment tomorrow, please say a prayer for Lincoln to pass the swallow test and start eating again.

So I have no idea when I will step back into the real world but until then I will continue to wear my warm-up pants and cuddle with my boy!

Here is the precious face that I can't wait to see tomorrow morning!